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TIANATDATPPC Part III
← Part IIPart IIIPart IV → Part III of the Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at the PPC List, comprising entries 262-290. Originally posted to the PPC LJ Community, here, February 25, 2007. ---- 262. I will not let Onaya at Imp y Celyn. 263. I will not send Lt. M'Ress to the Jellicle Ball. 264. I will not take Cosette to Spire. - Or to Cloud City. 265. I will not play Kraftwerk's "Numbers" in the temple of Bel-Shamharoth. - Nor will I take Sesame Street's Count there. 266. I will not disassemble a Borg agent's regeneration alcove. 267. I will not attempt to mysteronise myself. - If it doesn't work I will end up either looking very dead, or very silly. - Or both. 268. I will NOT start any shipping war of any kind. - Not even a teeny tiny, itty bitty one. 269. I will not sell Moist von Lipwig's tell-all autobiography The Leopard Changed His Shorts 60 years before the fact, when Moist is an 86-year-old widower (and oldest serving Postmaster) whose son is Patrician (after Vetinari and Ironfoundersson). (Yes, I am shilling in advance.) 270. I will not tell newbies that the Cafeteria meatloaf is made of ground-up Sue and confiscated tech. - Except when the Swedish Chef is on KP, when it is. 271. I will not introduce Cpn. Jack Sparrow and Zaphod Beeblebrox. The combined egos would doubtless explode, and with all the alcohol those two accumulate, this would be a Very Bad Thing. 272. I will not perform exorcisms on fellow agents, even if they claim to have Sues in their heads. That is a job for Medical. 273. I will not charge and summarily execute a fellow agent who has been Sue'd. 274. I will not attempt to sell my soul to any devil. - Not even if he/she/it promises me eternal life. - Or amazing Sue-killing powers. - Or the ability to instantly vaporize all Sues that have ever and will ever exist(ed). - Because we all know how that would turn out. 275. I will not try to put every angel and demon in one room in an attempt to start a second Heavenly war. - Because that would be plain stupid. - In fact I will not mess around with any angels/demons/deities whatsoever. 276. No version of Hell is a smart place for a vacation. - Or an OFU field trip. - Nor is any version of Heaven. 277. If for any reason I am in any Hell for a mission, I will not look to see if anyone has caused my workload as an agent, or if any Suethors are there so I can torment them. 278. If I happen to find myself in the Halls of Mandos, I will not attempt to dance before Lord Námo in order to free a dead loved one. - Or a dead canon. - Especially not Féanor. 279. If, for some reason, I find myself in the Halls of Mandos, I will not start talking loudly about how kind it was of Lady Galadriel to give Gimli three strands of her hair. - I will also not mention how pretty the Silmaril looks in the sky. - Or how shiny the One Ring is. 280. I will never, ever, ever mention the following within earshot of Féanor: - How many shiny objects Agent Dafydd "Maglor" Illian has accumulated. - How many shiny objects (including extra Silmarils) there are in HQ in general. - The fact that the portal I am about to open leads to HQ. - Seriously. The PPC does not need a Kinslaying in its halls. 281. I will not attempt to link up several sentient computers from different fandoms. - Especially if one is Durandal from Marathon. - Or HAL 9000. - Or Athena from The Cat Who Walks Through Walls. - If I do, I am responsible for cleaning up the mess. 282. If I am in the throes of pon farr, I will not attempt to mind-meld with a H'nemthe. 283. I will not arrange a fight between Reavers and Discworld elves. 284. Speaking of Reavers, I will never again use them to execute a Sue. 285. I will not unleash Mrs. Cake on any Holy Holly. 286 I will never take a Baronet of Ruddigore to Serenia. - Or John Wellington Wells. 287. I will not give Grover from Sesame Street tribbles. - Not even for a Spaceship Surprise sketch. - Giving him kuribohs is right out. 288. I will not act flame-thrower crazy if I'm not. 289. I will not test Rikki-Tikki-Tavi against an amphistaff. 290. I will not fly a Sun Crusher without a license from DOGA. - Nor will I use it on a non-Suvian system. ← Part IIPart IIIPart IV → TIANATDATPPC Part 03